Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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