How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
