Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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