...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
