Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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