i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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