How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
