i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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