we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
