Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
