when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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