I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
