So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
