if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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