he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
