i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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