At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
