I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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