i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
