At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
