Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize