So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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