just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
