so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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