I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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