so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
