I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
In America we eat man semen.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
