Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
