My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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