Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
