I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sober January is a disaster.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Randomize
