Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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