just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
