I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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