I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
