I faked an abortion last night.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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