So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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