2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
