hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
