chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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