how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
