I accidentally burped into my bong.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
