So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
