It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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