don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
