I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
