My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
