went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
