The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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