Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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