he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
