I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
