i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Randomize
