eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
