my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
