so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
