Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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