I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
