i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
