dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
