Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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