He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
